Sunday, December 19, 2010

Mark Prindle: Metallic Spheres review (pretty funny)

( via percy_the_ratcatcher)

http://www.markprindle.com/gilmour.htm#metallic

David Gilmour

If you like radio's 'Pink Floyd,' then you'll love their guitar player, David Gilmour!

(Unless the only Pink Floyd album you like is The Piper At The Gates Of Dawn. He doesn't play on that one.)

*special introductory paragraph!
*David Gilmour
*About Face
*On An Island
*Arnold Layne CD-single
*Live In Gdansk
*Metallic Spheres (with The Orb)

Metallic Spheres (with The Orb) - Columbia 2010
Rating = 1

From: youth@yahoo.com 
To: amomentarylapse@reason.com
Sent: May 11, 2009 5:01 PM
Subject: Jam Session

Mr. Gilmour,

My name is Youth, and I play bass for an alternative band called Killing Joke. I think you're awesome and was wondering if you wanted to come over and jam with me some time. My parents work til 8 most nights, so we could play really loud. It would just be for fun -- no pressure or anything. Please let me know.

I have some pot too.

Stay cool,
Youth

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From: amomentarylapse@reason.com 
To: youth@yahoo.com
Sent: May 11, 2009 5:14 PM
Subject: re: Jam Session

Youth,

Dude, I love Killing Joke! I've been following you guys since the "EIGHTIES"! LOL (J/K) I'd love to come over and jam with you. I can bring my guitar! Can you do it on June 12th? I get off work from Taco Bell at 2:30 and can come over then.

Rock on,
Dave Gilmour

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From: youth@yahoo.com 
To: amomentarylapse@reason.com 
Sent: June 13, 2009 11:31 AM
Subject: Hay man!

Dave,

I had a great fucken time jammin with you, man. I can't believe my Mom walked in on us getting high! Thank God she can't see worth a shit. Anyways, the tape sounds killer!!! I'm actually gonna give it to these other guys I sometimes jam with, called The Orb to see what they think.

I'll be in touch, dude!

Together in Satan,
Youth

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From: youth@yahoo.com 
To: amomentarylapse@reason.com 
Sent: January 15, 2010 3:14 PM
Subject: BLOW YOUR MIND

Dave,

Sorry I've been so out of touch. My parents caught me doing acid and sent me to rehab for three fucken months! Don't worry though -- it didn't take! ;7)

But the reason I'm writing is to let you know that my friends in The Orb did this amazing shit with our tape. They sorta spread out all your awesome licks and shredding solos, and surrounded them with whooshy wind noises, synths and electronic drums and stuff. It's wild, and it sounds awesome when you're stoned!!! I'll send you a copy. I'm gonna go ahead and give it to Columbia Records cuz IMHO this could be the Ambient Event of the Year! (Totes!!!)

Let me know when you hear it. And stay cool!
Youth

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From: amomentarylapse@reason.com 
To: youth@yahoo.com
Sent: January 28, 2010 4:11 PM
Subject: The tape

Youth,

I just listened to the tape. Wow. I don't even know what to say. I guess it's cause I'm a lot older than you, but I'm not sure I understand this music! If you say it's cool, I trust you, but it doesn't seem very musical. What happened to those cool riffs you and I came up with? I don't know, man. I'll keep listening. (I haven't tried it stoned yet) I'll also make copies for some of my friends and see what they think.

K.I.T.! 
Dave

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From: by_the_way_Im_Pink@comcast.net
To: amomentarylapse@reason.com 
Sent: February 23, 2010 9:52 PM
Subject: Your new demo

David,

Thanks for sending me your new demo. Watch your mail for a copy with my recommended edits and revisions.

Best,
Roger Waters
Head Songwriter
Pink Floyd (The Good Years)

Catch me on tour playing "The Wall" this year!

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From: amomentarylapse@reason.com
To: by_the_way_Im_Pink@comcast.net
Sent: February 27, 2010 1:42 PM
Subject: re: Your new demo

Rog,

Got your package, but I think you accidentally sent me a tape from your Sound Effects Library.

Dave

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From: by_the_way_Im_Pink@comcast.net
To: amomentarylapse@reason.com 
Sent: February 27, 2010 2:13 PM
Subject: re: re: Your new demo

David,

No, those are my edits. Just fast forward to about halfway through the tape and there's still some music in there (between the foghorn and the plane taking off).

Best,
Roger Waters
Head Songwriter
Pink Floyd (The Good Years)

Catch me on tour playing "The Wall" this year!

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From: nickmason@pinkfloyd.gov 
To: amomentarylapse@reason.com
Sent: March 2, 2010 6:15 PM
Subject: INCREDIBLE DRUMMING

Dave,

I'm LOVING your new tape, man. Who is this drummer!? His ability to play a slow 4/4 beat is amazing! Goddamn. Makes me wanna throw my fuckin stix away!!

Bros before hos,
Nick

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From: deadsyd@heaven.org 
To: amomentarylapse@reason.com
Sent: April 16, 2010 6:15 PM
Subject: From One Pork Chop Fan To Another

Gilly! Gilly Gilman! The Gilmonster! Gil-mo-tastic!

Hey fucker how's it hangin? Good I hope. This is Syd Barrett writing to you from Heaven. I know what you're thinking: "Wait a minute. Syd can't use a computer. He's a dead vegetable!" Ha ha, well up your ass buddy cuz it turns out they give you your BRAIN back when you get to Heaven! And thank God for that or the whole place would be teeming with Alzheimers. Oh! Here's something funny -- when I got to the Gates, guess who St. Peter had lined up especially to greet me? A PIPER! Ha ha! And you thought angels had no sense of humor!

Anyways, the reason I'm writing is because I was floating transparently through Nick's house last month when he played your new tape. I gotta tell ya man -- I am not into it. To be honest, I always thought post-me Floyd was boring, but that shit's fuckin Hendrix compared to this tuneless ball of hot air. Get away from those guys, man. Maybe you should try getting back to your roots and play some blues-rock with Jonathan King.

Hurry though; he's due in Hell by the end of November.

Syd

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From: rickwrightscorpse@heaven.com
To: amomentarylapse@reason.com
Sent: April 16, 2010 6:47 PM
Subject: What is this shit?

Hey Dave,

Syd's finally off the computer so I wanted to drop you a line supporting his opinion. That tape is awful. Do The Orbs know anything at all about music? Maybe try sending them a copy of Wish You Were Here or something, because they clearly haven't the slightest idea how to build music around your guitarwork. Would it have killed them to play something in the same key as you every once in a while? Even in the late '70s when I was snorting a wheelbarrow full of cocaine a day, I never would've surrounded your playing with such uncomplementary chord progressions and amelodic wastes of time. I try to be a good angel, but fuck those jerks.

Also, what's with this 49-year-old man calling himself "Youth"? That's a little pathetic. Maybe I should change my name to "Alive."

Hope you're doing well,
The Eternal Soul of Richard Wright

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From: youth@yahoo.com
To: amomentarylapse@reason.com
Sent: October 13, 2010 5:15 PM
Subject: It's out!

Dave,

Sorry to hear your friends weren't into the tape, but you can't please everybody. The important thing is that the CD is out, and it's doing great! Spin Magazine gave it a stellar 5 stars out of 10, Allmusic ranked it a high 3 out of 5, The A.V. Club a C+ (that's a passing grade, man!) and most importantly the alternative music publication Pitchfork Media has granted it a 7.0/10, calling it "gorgeous," "hypnotic" and "immersive"!

Fuck yeah!

Youth

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From: sclarkenstein@clarkensteindover.com
To: amomentarylapse@reason.com
Sent: October 14, 2010 10:35 AM
Subject: Cease and Desist

Mr. Gilmour,

Let this serve as notice that our client, George Roger Waters, is bringing suit against you for musical plagiarism related to your new CD "Metallic Spheres." Waters has identified one of the musical notes in the selection "Spheres Side" as a D -- the same note that he had you play in the track "Goodbye Cruel World" on the Pink Floyd album entitled "The Wall." Please cease and desist immediately.

Sincerely,
Steven Clarkenstein
Clarkenstein & Dover, LLC

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From: youth@yahoo.com
To: amomentarylapse@reason.com
Sent: October 15, 2010 2:16 PM
Subject: FML

Dave,

I so totally fucked up. You know that tape I had Columbia put out as "Metallic Spheres" by "The Orb (Featuring David Gilmour)"? Well, it turns out that The Orb didn't actually intend for it to be released. In fact, they didn't do any work on it at all! According to my buddy Alex Paterson, they accidentally dropped our tape in the toilet, and this is just what it sounded like when they pulled it out. In other words, Metallic Spheres is LITERALLY your guitarwork covered in human shit!!!

But look on the bright side - Pitchfork Media liked it!

Best,
Youth

Posted via email from up against the flooring

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